Kip goes Miss Cleo
Predictions sure to go wrong for 2007:
1. California will be ravaged by a huge earthquake splitting half of it off into the Pacific Ocean along the Yosemite Valley floor. This will open up El Cap along the coast as the greatest deep water soloing available.
2. Global warming will melt the snow from all 8000m peaks revealing Mallory’s long lost camera and Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
3. All big wall aid climbs will go free this upcoming season with the introduction of the Black Diamond “Tentacle”, the newest chalk substitute that actually gives the climber a suction-like affect on the hands that lasts for 12 hours per application.
4. The Yosemite Decimal System will be tweaked to include poser ratings of 5.12aa (for those that really really think that climb was harder than 11d).
5. Solo synchronized slacklining will be introduced as the newest Olympic event. Climbers all around will perfect routines to Bob Marley music.
6. Five Ten will put out 17 new models of climbing shoes even though the other 50 models have nothing wrong with them (this prediction might actually be correct).
7. Mountaineering: The Freedom of the Hills, will put out its eighth edition. This new 800-page guide will consist of 796 pages of rock specific material. Three of the remaining pages will be devoted to all one needs to know about mountaineering and the other page will be the apology.
8. Omega Pacific will begin to produce gear with prison labor once again. This will unveil a new utility rescue knife affectionately called, “The Shiv”. Due to the lack of company sales reps, sales will go nowhere. They will turn their attention to the “Shackle”, the newest in a line of locking biners.
9. USAC will introduce an “under five” category for their youth competitions at Nationals with all climbing to be done on auto belay systems for ease and safety. However, event coordinators will be forced to pull the plug on the category when it is learned that all competitors ended up stuck at the top without trail ropes and they had more fun just swinging on the ropes anyway. USAC issues an apology for lack of foresight.
10. Vertical Endeavors will open its newest location with 600,000
square feet of climbing surface. This new gym will feature 124 auto
belay systems, 712 top rope set-ups, and approximately 85,000 square
feet of bouldering over 5 foot thick mattresses. The new location
will also feature a four-star restaurant, small hotel, and leash-free pet
area. Climbers will swoon to the new gym and the Chicagoland area
will become the Mecca of the indoor world. VE St. Paul will respond
with a gym 3 square feet larger to retain bragging rights.