Kip Gets Paranoid

Have you noticed that kids are climbing stronger and stronger these
days? They’re like a bunch of little super chimps that don’t seem to understand
that 5.12 is supposed to be a tough grade. And I’m not sure when ticking off boulder
problems higher than your age became nonchalant. I’ll bet one could attribute
this to the popularity growth of the sport. Or, perhaps it is due to the number of
quality gyms that offer training grounds to youth like never before. I think,
however, it is the government.

Last year, George Bush gave a speech where he stated, and I quote,
“The youth of the nation are climbing ladders of success, and we are helping
them.” Trust me, he said it. Now, he wants you all to take this metaphorically, but
what most of you don’t know is that he gave the speech on May 14. 5.14, don’t
you see it? I think it more than mere coincidence that this be the case. He spoke
repeatedly of bringing our country to a new level. I can only assume he means
5.14. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but while I was home sick last week ,
hopped up on NyQuil, it all became clear to me. I would have to take matters into
my own hands. I looked up the White House number directly to get some answers
(shush, there’s actually a public number). The last four digits are 1414. There
they go again! Slapping 5.14 repeatedly in our faces. But what does this mean?
Why the children, and why is the government involved?

I decided to call up Nicros, figuring that a leading hold manufacturer is
exactly what I need to get a hold of the situation. However, when I spoke with
them, they lectured me on taking matters too literal. I’ll bet they’re in on it too.
Now we’re getting somewhere!

I did some research into this Nicros Company. Did you realize that if you
assign a sequential # value with each letter in Nicros as it appears in alphabetical
order you get 14+9+3+18+15+19 = 78. You take 78 and divide that by 6 letters in
Nicros and you get 13. You take the 7 plus the 8 and you get 15. You average the
13 and the 15 and what do you get? 14 again!!!! Coincidence, I think not. Nicros
is in on this. Flipping through their catalog, I noticed more subtle links to the
government. Nicros put out a hold called the Surgeon General. I’m sure its some
kind of code. I just don’t know how.

The bottom line is that Kip needs your help. Kip is scared and desperate.
Kip has resorted to speaking in third person. I need you to send me your theories.
Together, we will get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, fight the power!
Email me your theories at triscuittheories@hotmail.com.